Monday, 21 December 2015

Ho, Ho Bloody Ho

It's 4 days before Christmas, is everyone in the Holly Jolly spirit yet?? I just can't seem to find that festive feeling in me yet, maybe I should just accept that this year I won't feel it because of the tablets, but there we are.

For me, something that really encapsulates Christmas (aside from the religious aspects and drinking far too much wine) is to think of others, be generous and kind, and give what you can to make other people who may not be having the best time of their lives a bit of a lift. To that end, I thought it would be a great time to give my first ever blood donation! 

I went along to the local Town Hall this afternoon for my appointment, feeling a little bit sick at the thought of being hooked up to a machine that would suck a pint of blood from my veins! After filling in a form I was asked to drink a big drink of juice to keep my blood pressure up and help prevent me from fainting during the appointment. Then a kindly looking male nurse took me into a private booth to ask me some questions about my medical health and history, and to test my iron levels. 

Now if you ever go along to a blood donation for the first time, this is the bit you really won't like. They spike the tip of your finger with a sharp tool, squeeze it until blood comes out and suck some out of the wound with a pipette - then drop a blob in some blue stuff. If the blob sinks, you've got good iron levels. If it floats, you've got a problem and may be anemic (not good for blood donation). The thing is, they don't tell you how much the spike hurts! People would probably just tell me to man up and deal with it - people lose legs and complain less - but honestly it really stings, and the pain lasts for a while after! Anyway, plaster on the offended finger and back to the waiting area I went.

Shortly a friendly but matronly looking nurse came and fetched me - my turn had arrived. She sat me down in a big scoopy plastic chair with comfy cushions on the feet and behind my head and proceeded to try and find a vein in my left arm. Apparently there weren't any veins in my left arm so she tried the right instead hoping for better luck. Success! A big fat vein perfectly central in my arm. Matron nurse took an antiseptic wipe and polished my elbow vigorously with it like it was a rusty silver Christmas tree ornament, and then I was "ready to go". Eek. On with the blood pressure cuff to make the vein stick out, clenched fist, sharp scratch and "OUCH" the needle was in. 

I watched the blood disappear from my body into the plastic blood bag next to me and felt strangely relaxed as the Christmas tunes played in the background. My arm felt a little tingly but not painful, and I thought about how much my donation would end up helping people. At my Slimming World meeting later, a friend told me how good a thing it was to do, as you really are saving a life by donating. That felt good.

So the donation came to an end, and the machine started to making its bleepy noises and Matron nurse returned to whip the needle out of my arm and get me sat up straight and my arm dressed. I was excited now for my reward of biscuits! After making sure I was okay, I was led over by Matron nurse to the recovery area, where there were trays of chocolate biscuits, crisps and plenty of juice to keep the generous donors' blood sugars up. I grabbed myself an orange chocolate club and some orange squash to match, chilled out for 20 minutes and finally felt ready to go. Not woozy or ill at all, although my arm felt a little heavy but no worse than after a vaccination.

Anyway, that was it! I hope if anybody reading is thinking about donating blood but wants to know more about what goes on, this clears things up and reassures that there really isn't anything to worry about. Go and book that appointment, and give a really important gift this Christmas season.

Sunday, 6 December 2015

You only get out what you put in

So here I am, moaning on and on about how I've been struggling to complete this list when, in reality, all I do of a weekend these days is sit on my backside watching Big Bang Theory reruns. It's not the way I pictured life as a fully-functioning adult, and I certainly think my lack of activity outside of work is something that has contributed to my depression.

But things are on the up. Lately I've started to feel like the drugs are actually working, and I feel more like my old self these days. I'm not fully there yet but I've started to get back the drive and motivation I used to have to get things done - not just work but adventures. The realisation hit me today that the only way I'm going to get the most out of life is by making things happen myself - adventures aren't going to fall into my lap like they did with Bilbo Baggins (unless a wizard does turn up on my doorstep tomorrow and in that case consider me stood corrected!)

Today I counted that in total, I have ticked 37 things off of the "100 things" list. I am going to make every effort to push that up to 50 by the end of the year. To that end, I've booked tickets for Rocky Horror in January, King Lear in April (Shakespeare play live), redeemed an offer for a discounted skiing lesson and started filling my old empty Terramundi with spare £1 coins and a couple of notes when possible. I've also got 4 iconic films to see and 8 foods to eat that I've never tasted before written down in a list on my fridge -

  1. Caviar
  2. Polenta
  3. Courgette flowers
  4. Durian Fruit
  5. Frogs Legs
  6. Snails
  7. Sweetbreads
  8. Kangaroo (I actually have kangaroo steaks in the freezer, so that's tonight's tea sorted!)
  • The Good the Bad and the Ugly
  • Home Alone (tis the season!!)
  • The Exorcist
  • Rocky
So on top of gigs, Christmas parties, work and visiting family and friends, December is going to be a hectic month. But it'll be worth it as I'm really determined to enjoy the remnants of the year, and make 2016 one to remember. Depression will NOT hold me back any longer, and that is that.

Monday, 23 November 2015

Big Achievement!

I've finally paid off my student overdraft and credit cards!!!!!!!!!!!!

(That's it, that's the entire blog post)

Thursday, 19 November 2015

Drive out the Darkness

I'm not even sure if anyone reads this thing, but greetings to anybody out there who has stumbled upon my little corner of the internet.

It's been nearly 3 years since I last posted here and in that time a lot of things have happened. After struggling for money as a graduate with temp jobs and casual contracts, I finally got myself a full time job as a music teacher - no more feelings of dread when I see the postman bringing the bills each morning! I'm also really settling into my career as a freelance musician, getting a nice variety of work on all my instruments.

2 years ago I  finally passed my driving test and moved into a flat all by myself - no more flatmate arguments. Recently I bought a brand new car and I've even entered the scary territory of looking at getting a foot onto the property ladder...I'm really growing up! New relationships and friendships have come and gone, and I've found myself far more well-traveled to places like Southern France, Finland, The Falkland Islands and Cyprus since becoming a full member of the Army Reserves as a musician 2 and a half years ago.

Summing all the positive things that have happened in just a few short sentences does make it look like life is just peachy for me at the moment, and I suppose in a lot of ways I'm very lucky. I've worked very hard to get to where I am today but also owe a lot of it to supportive friends and family who've pushed me when I've started to slip.

However over the last few months, I've started to feel restless again. You know what I mean, when your day to day life doesn't bring you any sort of joy, and you feel like you need to get out and go on an adventure and do something that gets your adrenaline soaring for a few weeks? Well, that. I've felt like this a few times before and done crazy things on the spur of the moment - booked a session swimming with sharks, going away alone to Paris, and most recently booking myself into an expensive suite in a city centre hotel for a night of being pampered with massages, facials and gourmet food & wine.

All these spontaneous things have made me feel great for a time, but the feeling of joy hasn't lasted that long. I know I'm stuck in a rut. I feel shy and anxious about the person that I am, and feel like I have to have crazy stories about my life to tell people so that they will be interested in what I have to say and not bored by me. I even think deep down that's why I created this "list" in the first place.

The thing is it goes deeper than just being restless. Honestly, I think I feel like this because I don't really like the person I am right now. Most of the time I genuinely feel totally and utterly worthless, because all I do is go to work and go to play at gigs. Other than that all I can motivate myself to do is shut myself inside in front of the TV with my laptop, doing some small bits of admin if I really have to, but otherwise just slobbing. I justify this by telling myself I work very hard and deserve lazy nights in, but these slob nights are fast eating away at the rest of my life like some giant emotional black hole. I have been diagnosed by the doctors with clinical depression which I am currently taking medication for. In a way it's helped, I feel less on edge and anxious but I can't seem to drag myself out of this eternal listlessness. I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of losing the passion I used to have for things in my life like spending time with my friends, trying to swim as many lengths as possible in 40 minutes or even my beloved music that I've dedicated my life to.

The one thing I suppose that has kept me from losing my job and my sanity completely has been making little lists of things I have to get done day to day. Simple things that most people don't think about, from making breakfast to taking out the rubbish bin (sometimes the list even has something as simple as getting showered and going outside for a walk, because I know I won't even get out of my PJs if it's not on my list), through to typing up that list of gifted and talented pupils for my manager or arranging Christmas carols for my pupils. I've always been a fan of making lists of things to do, and even more of crossing things off those lists - as I'm sure many people are - it makes you feel productive and useful, and like you are contributing something good to your own little world, and perhaps in a small way to the worlds of others around you. At least by being able to do this, I've been able to prevent myself becoming a complete recluse.

My point, I suppose, is that I'm sick of feeling restless and covered by a black cloud constantly. I want excitement in my life, I want adventure. I want to do everything that's on this list and so much more. I want to ride elephants in India, try Tom Yum in Thailand and drink rum on the beach listening to a live samba band in Cuba, and see the rest of the world while it's here to see.

I have a perfectly good list here of new and exciting experiences to me that's existed for over 4 years, and now I need to stop making excuses to myself and try to get through it. Maybe I'll even start to like the person I really am again somewhere along the way.